Wedding Dresses From Hell

While my betrothed is out shopping for a wedding dress (take 643) for hopefully the last time today, I began wondering about what dress she will actually pick. Now, for those of you who seem surprised at my ignorance, let me explain something to you: Nicole has kept me the dark about her dress specifics. She wants it to be a surprise, and thus, I am in an information black-out. The CIA has less security on covert foreign military operations than Nicole shares with me about her dress shopping.

Regardless, I know the dress she will pick will be beautiful. But... I can't say that about the following monstrosities that I found. In the spirit of Halloween, I present the scariest wedding dresses you shall ever see. Scroll down if you dare.

1. Denim Dress of the Damned.

Take a good look (if you can) at this thing. It is a denim wedding dress. That's right. Apparently, some wedding dress designer said one day, "You know what would be really nice? If we had a wedding dress made out of the same material as jeans. That'd be super." It also comes with some sort of chiffon harpoon and a pillbox hat.

2. Frankenstein's Other Monster

I am not a connoisseur of high fashion. So I cannot tell if this is one of those ridiculous haute couture things that designers make and only two people on the planet ever buy, or it is for real. First of all, is this dress made for one person? The train has enough extra fabric to outfit the maid of honor, six bridesmaids, and still have enough left over for a tablecloth. How does she walk around in that? With a crane and a half-dozen pulleys? What's that big circle thing on it? Some type of seat for the bride to rest on after carrying around a metric ton of satin? And is that a veil or did the dress model simply get her head caught in a plastic bag?

3. The "Visible Woman" Dress

Here we are on the other extreme. Because nothing else says classy like a wedding "dress" that looks like it was designed by a drunk stripper.

4. The Mummy Lives!

I can't tell if this a bride or a burn victim. What woman would honestly look at this, and say, "You know what, that's the one. I will get married in that dress. And I will wear that swimcap/head bandage/veil, thank you very much."

5. The Small Bow

"No, you don't understand. I need a dress with a BIG bow. I mean, friggin' huge. Like I could knock someone over with it." Why, look no further... Also, what is that model doing with her hands? Praying? Climbing and invisible rope? Staving off a migraine because she looks like an over sized Raggedy Ann doll?