the plans must go on

As the RSVPs come rolling in, all I can think of is that there will be one less loved one than I expected present on our wedding day. I know that Dziadziu will be watching over us on May 23, but it won’t be the same as having him there in person, to hug and sing Sto Lat and dance with. I know I should be grateful for the 28 years I was blessed to have my grandpa in my life, and I am. But I am also heartbroken that he's left us. I realize nobody can live forever, but May is just around the corner and I was counting on him being there. Every time I spoke with Dziadziu over the last few months he would tell me he was practicing his polka moves and looking for his dancing shoes.

I have been dreaming of sharing my wedding day with my grandparents ever since I can remember, and I still can’t accept the fact that my grandpa won’t be there. While other little girls dreamed of the cake or the dress or the flowers, I dreamed of dancing with my new husband beside my grandparents. Try as I may, I don’t understand why he had to leave us and why it had to be now. My lifelong dream of dancing with my grandfather on my wedding day is never going to come true. I feel so blessed and honored that my grandmother will be there, cheering me on, and I am truly grateful to share the day with her. But together my grandparents taught me the importance of unwavering eternal love, and they should be there, together, to celebrate with me. I’m ashamed to admit this, but a part of me doesn’t even want to celebrate without my grandfather there.

The pain of losing someone I love so much, this close to a day that is supposed to be filled with joy and happiness, is beyond expression. I do not accept what has happened, and I'm having a hard time moving on with plans for the wedding. Flower and stationary choices seem so unimportant, music lists remind me of the songs I chose with him in mind, and I am just not in the mood to think about all the details left to settle. I still want to spend my life with Shep, but in all honesty a large part of me wishes we could just bypass the fanfare. I think about walking down the aisle, and can only imagine how painful it will be not to see my grandfather's face among those gathered in the church.

... and then I think about all the family and friends that have already cleared their schedules and made travel arrangements to be there for and with us. And all those who have shared their support over the last months and years of our lives. And although what I really want to do is crawl under the covers and call the whole thing off, I realize it would be selfish to let everyone down. The day is not about me and Shep alone. A wedding is a chance to acknowledge and pay tribute to all the important people in our lives that have been there for us in the past and will no doubt be there for us again, countless times and in countless ways. As difficult as it will be to experience the day without Dziadziu, I don't want to disappoint my groom-to-be or the rest of our family members who are looking forward to spending time with their cousins, aunts, uncles, neighbors and friends. And so it's for these loved ones still with us that the plans must go on.

Although Dziadziu won't physically be in the church or at the reception, I know he'll be present in our hearts. He always enjoyed family gatherings and I can picture him now, singing sto lot and shouting na zdrowie louder than anyone.